You Big Gorilla
by dreadlockedpencil
Summary: Dumbledore's a druggie, Hagrid is planning on taking pilates and all the characters have been switched. What will happen when the one they all fear is planning to steal their beloved Gold Bond? Rating for pretty much everything.
1. The Name of a HOBO!

**I'm so bored right now. So I'll make a new story! YAY! STTOOOOORRRRRRRRIIIIEEEEEEEESSSSSSSSS AAAARRRRRRREEEEEEEE GOOOOOOODDDD!**

**This is a parody. Ron plays Draco, Hermione plays Harry, Draco plays Hermione, Harry plays Ron, and yeah.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter.**

_Note: I re-uploaded this chapter because I wanted to correct the spelling, and lookng back on this story, I have absolutely no idea what drove me to write such a thing, but I'm glad I did. It's funny. _

Scene One, the boy who lived.

A giant old gorilla came flying into the air on a huge motorcycle. Sexy. Not.

Hagrid looked down at Dumbledore, his beetle eyes glinting. "I've brought the baby, you old fogies!"

Dumbledore scrunched his forehead with irritation. "No need to shout you giant buffoon. I knew I should have asked... one of my other friends for help instead of you, you obese gorilla!"

Hagrid's eyes started to water. "I may be obese, but I'm not some fucking gorilla you old quack! Come here!" said Hagrid as he lunged at Dumbledore

Dumbledore waved his wand, causing Hagrid to freeze mid-lunge. "You gorilla. You didn't think you'd win, did you?"

Hagrid sighed and smiled absently. "Not really. Worth a try though." He handed Dumbledore a small package. "Here's the old pup."

Dumbledore looked up at him with rage in his eyes. "Boy! Not pup! Boy! If you must refer to him as someone, he shall be called...Candy Pansy! SO THERE!" he yelled.

Hagrid looked confused. "I thought his name was Harry Potter."

"Shut up you dog doo head! That sounds like the name of a HOBO!" snarled Dumbledore.

Hagrid looked at his feet. "I kind of like it..."

Dumbledore shrugged. "FINE! We'll call him Harry. The boy who lived, loved, died, and then rose to life!" he exclaimed and started to laugh evilly.

Hagrid walked over to a house nearby. "I'll just put him on this doorstep over here..."

Dumbledore took out a bong...ahem... pipe and started to smoke it. "Wasn't that old lady supposed to be here?"

Hagrid shrugged. "Yeah, but she just started menopause, so she had to stay home."

Dumbledore's eyes bulged out of his head. "She's only 50? That's like jailbait to me! Not that I've done anything to her..."

Hagrid looked disgusted then decided to shrug it off. "Naw, she just kept putting it off."

Dumbledore narrowed his eyes. "You can't put off menopause. There's something fishy going on around here..."

Hagrid looked at Dumbledore thoughtfully. "And how would you know?"

Dumbledore looked panicked. "I don't. Let's go."

-The two dumbasses leave-

Later that night...

An old lady comes to her doorstep to find a little brunette girl with bushy hair.

The old lady opened her door to find a small bundle on her doorstep. "It says that this here is Harry Potter. I don't want a fucking child!" She looked up at the sky and shook her fist at the big blue...sky. "You hear that God! I don't want a fucking child!" The old hag kicks the bundle to the next doorstep. Jeez.

The door to the other house opens.

A skinny little wench opened her door up next door. Ha-ha, door was used twice in a sentence. "I was wondering when that ugly gangly kid was going to come! It's been almost one night!" Petunia picked up the bundle. "I shall name you... (Reads tag)... Harry Potter! MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAA!"

The bushy-haired bundle looked quizzical. "WTF?"

Petunia looked confused. "Did you say something dear?"

The tiny child shook its head.

Petunia brings Harry into house.

Petunia (Is that even her name? Well it is now) walked into the kitchen to find a very large man eating about five pounds of lard. "HELLO...HUSBAND! I'VE GOT A KID WITH ME!"

Vernon looked up with bits of yellow lard in his mustache. "Aw, HELL NAW! I've had enough about this children nonsense. We've already got one great fat child; I don't want you to be popping out another one anytime soon. That's it; we're using rubbers form now on!" Vernon banged his hand on the table, successfully splattering the lard onto the ceiling. "AND THAT'S LIFT-OFF!" he yelled and started to do a HAPPY DANCE!

Petunia tickled the child's chin. "This one's different. It's a GIRL! A COOCHY COOCHY COO!"

Vernon muttered to himself. "Bloody motherfucker."

Petunia looked at him disapprovingly. "Now, Vernon, let's not be profane."

Vernon looked back at her. "Yes dear." he said and sat back down.

Harry made a quiet whip-like sound.

"I'm not whipped!" barked Vernon, and then went back to eating his lard.

**A/N: That was...interesting... I don't know, I think it'll get funnier though. YAY!**


	2. Good Bananas In Hell

**I have not updated this story in forever... **_(Still true.)_**  
**

**I reread it and I think it's alright, so I hope you peeps think it is too...**

**Disclaimer: I don't own HP!**

Eleven years later an ugly girl who everyone thought was a boy woke up sweating in her bed...

She had just had that sweaty dream where you're in a summer camp in the desert and all the counselors leave and you have sex with everyone... ugh...

"Sexy..." she muttered.

"CHILD!" screamed Petunia. "Get THE FUCK OUTTA BED AND CLEAN THIS FUCKING HOUSE!"

"YOU CAD!" screamed Hermi...er, Harry.

"I thought I wanted a little...girl." muttered Petunia downstairs to her obese husband. "But I was bloody wrong."

"I always thought you were dear." agreed Vernon, not paying attention to what his wife was saying. He was eating lard. Well that explains it.

"Um, I am a girl." said 'Harry' quietly.

"What was that?" screamed Dudley somewhat involuntarily.

There was a brief moment of silence.

"Oh, you mean the sound that we just heard?" asked Vernon somewhat blankly.

"No." chirped Dudley happily. "That."

He was pointing at the little pink stool in the corner.

"Good bananas in hell, what IS THAT?" Petunia yelled. "Oh, that's my stool." she shrugged.

'Harry' was confused. Why hadn't she known what it was if it was hers in the first place? It was a mystery...

For example, if you had a kid, you would know about it and wouldn't get scared if you saw it in the corner.

Unless it was an illegitimate love child and you hadn't known about it in the first place!

'Harry' gasped in delight.

"In conclusion," he said smartly. "YOU WOULDN'T HAVE KNOWN!"

And with that he ate a piece of the table out of sheer excitement and trudged back to his cupboard.

You may wonder why I'm saying 'his' instead of 'hers.' The answer is this: Sometimes I will refer to 'Harry' as 'him' and sometimes as 'her' mostly because it's too boring to use just one pronoun. Or is it noun? It's ANOTHER MYSTERY.

Back to the story.

Petunia sat down in the corner on her stool

"Ah." she said happily. "Some good memories here. Like that time Dudley accidentally tried to eat his own hand because it looked like pork. Good times, good times."

"When did that happen?" asked Vernon in a vaguely interested voice as he read his newspaper. Aww, how cute, he's acting like he can actually READ.

"Oh, I dreamt it once."

"Well that explains it."

Dudley's eyes welled up with tears.

"You dreamt I ate my hand?"

Meanwhile, 'Harry' was sitting in his room playing with his rubber ducky.

"Lardy lard lard." he grinned happily.

**A/N: I see that the story has, erm... calmed down a little. Hope you like it, because I was hyper when I wrote this chapter, draining my hyper ness in the process. So basically you just stripped me of my natural high. But if you liked it, it was worth it.**


	3. They're Just Like ME!

**Okay, I'm going to try and update all my stories in one night. This might be a problem as I've only updated one so far (besides this one) and it's already 11:30 at night. Hmm. Well if I don't get them all today, I'll get the rest tomorrow.**

**Let's be clear on this: I don't have the first HP book on me right now, and I'm not willing to go all the way across the street to the library to take it out. So if it's not bang on, pardon it.**

**Disclaimer: I. Don't. Own. It.**

Everyone was having breakfast. And by everyone, I mean except Harry. And by breakfast I mean lunch. But let's skip the details.

"What is this?" mumbled Dudley incoherently to his mother, indicating his bowl of yellow mush. Actually, it came out as "Whmm umm humm?" because his mouth was full.

"Speak up, darling." said Petunia sweetly, trying to imagine that Dudley was a handsome, young, fit boy.

"Whumm humm hmm humm?" he repeated.

Suddenly, his eyes widened as if in surprise and he began choking.

Harry, who was sitting under the table for some unexplainable reason, laughed quietly even though he couldn't see any of it. He just knew it was happening.

Petunia and Vernon were also laughing, convinced that their overgrown son was making a joke.

After several minutes, Dudley slumped over, his plump face now blue.

"Gag the boy, Petunia." said Vernon slyly. "It's about time we took him to the morgue."

"What the hell are you talking about? Lard?"

Harry sprang up from his "hiding spot," ready for action.

"HARRY POTTER TO THE RESCUE!"

He picked Dudley up with amazing strength and hurled him at the wall.

A large clump of grass came hurtling out of Dudley's mouth and he spluttered back to life.

"OH MY GOD!" screamed Petunia. "YOU'VE KILLED MY DUDLEY!"

"Wait..." began Vernon, thinking hard. Pretty scary, isn't it? "There was something important that was going to happen today..."

"My birthday, you fat buffoon!" screamed Harry. "Wait. That's not right."

"I think it might be my birthday." put in Petunia hopefully.

"That's not right, either." said Harry thoughtfully.

"It's MY birthday, you idiots." mumbled Dudley through an enormous piece of toast, which he'd just began eating.

"OH YEAH!" screamed Vernon, and he jumped up and began doing various Michael Jackson moves. Wow. Weird.

"I guess we'll be taking you to the zoo then." moaned Petunia in a bored voice.

"Meh." shrugged Dudley.

Harry jumped up and down, her/his bushy brown hair waving madly. "I love the zoo!"

"Let's feed him to the snakes." suggested Vernon.

Petunia shrugged, and then they all piled into Vernon's car to go to the zoo.

Dudley looked interestedly at the large gorillas behind the glass wall. It was Plexiglas, so there's nothing to worry about.

Or is there?

Dudley was amazed at how similar the gorillas looked to him.

"They're just like me!" he whispered.

Meanwhile, Harry was back with the snakes, looking at an especially large one.

"I love to talk to animals." he chattered loudly.

People walking by stopped to look at him.

Harry took no notice and the people moved on, all except a young couple, who thought he was funny so they stopped to watch him for a while. Run-on sentence much?

"I've always talked to animals. I don't know why." said Harry animatedly. "I guess it's because my favorite movie is Dr. Doolittle. Quite the funny film. It's about-"

"Can you please shut up?" hissed the snake politely. "I'm trying to have a nap."

"You can talk?" squealed Harry. This was by far the coolest thing that had ever happened to him before.

"Yes. Now please go away."

But Harry continued to chatter, talking about random subjects, like why the sky was blue, how to cook fish, and, with very graphic details, how babies were made.

"SHUT UP!" screamed the snake. As if snakes can scream.

"Argh!" Harry yelled. He was mad now. "I'm mad now!"

He focused his supposedly green eyes on the glass that separated him from the snake.

Seconds later, the glass disappeared.

The snake, happy to get away from the annoying kid, slithered off.

Everyone screamed and ran this way and that.

Harry, who, being incredibly stupid, contrary to what J K Rowling says, thought that he had nothing to do with it and went back to the car to wait.

Once in the car, Petunia shrieked, "We should leave immediately! That snake could bite someone."

"Um," said Dudley, being the incredibly smart one of the family. "We've already left."

"Well that's good then." said Vernon. "Wait. But I was going to buy a stick of lard!"

He burst into tears at the realization of the loss of his precious lard.

"You really should go on a diet." said Dudley vaguely, looking at his pet paper towel, which he'd bought just before he'd left. It had only cost $34.

"Look who's talking." retorted Harry.

"YOU! SHUT! UP!" said Petunia, hitting Harry on the head at ever word.

"Owww!" he complained. This would be a long day indeed.

**All right.**

**Not too bad. Reviews will be appreciated. And thank you very much to the people who did review. CUPCAKES FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO REVIEWED! Honestly, why not review? It takes, what, a minute? IT WON'T HURT YOU!**


	4. Espressoes

**I know, I know. Haven't updated. But I've managed to update 3/10 of my stories this week, and I plan to update all of them this month. And this time I'm sticking with my promise. This is the fourth one I've updated this week. Going good so far.**

**But I have to tell you that while I would love to update my stories weekly, I have a lot of stuff to do. School started, I have a job, babysitting my family and touring around some exchange students. It's busy. But I love you all and I want to make you happy, so I'll try to update more often.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own HP. Sauce. I don't own HP sauce. HP can also stand for Hanky Panky, but we won't go there. In short, I don't own Harry Potter. He is owned by JK Rowling, who is an amazing authoress. Let us bow to her...**

After the incident with the Brazilian Boa Constrictor, Petunia and Vernon decided that Harry was dangerous because of his strange attraction to fatal speaking animals. Ergo, they locked him in the BROOM CUPBOARD! DOOM DOOM DOOM!

And this is how they got him in:

Petunia gagged the boy with a spare tie, from back in the day when Vernon actually had a neck.

Vernon body slammed him ad picked him up, then shoved him in the broom cupboard, then locked the door.

"BUT I'M NOT HARRY!" whined the boy.

"Don't be silly, dear. Of course you're Harry." smiled Petunia with an evil glint in her eye.

Harry took a sip from his teacup, then set it down on the table. "He isn't Harry, you know. I am."

"Oh, SHUT UP DUDLEY!" roared Vernon, his neck vein doing that poppy-out-of-the-neck-vein-actionness.

Harry shrugged. He didn't like the broom cupboard much. It smelled like espressos.

"I don't like it in there anyhow." he said out loud. "It smells like espressos."

Petunia looked up at the sky. "Why would you make it smell like espressos in there?" she whined. "WHY! WHY!"

"Hey!" said Vernon cheerily. "I want an espresso. Let us go out for espressos."

"YEAH!" said everyone, including Dudley, then they all ran for the car. Except Dudley. He ended up running into the broom cupboard door.

As soon as they got to a little coffee place, Vernon jumped out of the car and into the... place.

"I would like an espresso, please. NOW!"

The skinny man behind the counter looked scared and tossed him a cup filed 1/8 the way up with espresso.

"What the hell?" whispered Vernon to Petunia. "What do I do with it?"

"You make an illiterate love child with it." Harry informed him. "Then you run off the Belize and have an affair with a cookie."

"You put... stuff in it?" Petunia suggested.

"I'm feeling as if we've gone off plot." said Vernon.

Then they all did that -soap-opera-stare-into-the-distance-glazed/stoned-eyed thingy.

They all got back in the car, espressos forgotten, and went to sleep.

Three minutes later they all woke up, and Dudley was finally let out of the cupboard.

They all sat at the breakfast table.

Dudley had porridge, Petunia had a pencil, Harry had a package of nails, and Vernon had lard. As usual.

"Get the post, Dudley." barked Vernon, not noticing the large chunks of lard in his mustache.

"Make Petunia get it." snapped Dudley.

"Make Harry Get it."

Vernon sneezed. "Go get the post, Harry."

"Fine. Anything's better than here."

Harry got up from the table, nails forgotten, and got the "post." Hmmm….

"I haven't sworn yet today." commented Vernon. "Better fix that. FUCK FUCK SHIT SHIT DANG! I feel better already."

Harry sorted through the mail. "Bills, bills, bills, porn offer." he slipped that one into his pants pocket. "Bills, porn offer (into the pants pocket) and a letter. For me. BOO YAH! THEY'RE TAKING ME AWAY!"

He did a little happy dance.

"I can hear you happy dancing, boy." snarled Vernon. "And give me those porn offers."

"Damn!" whispered Harry. "I forgot about his super-human hearing!"

"HA!" screamed Vernon, coming into the hall at the rate of a handicapped squirrel. "I TAKE THOSE LETTER!" Oooh, sucky grammar.

Vernon stole all the letters and ate them. "Mmm. Tastes like lard."

**I know. Not very funny. I'm sorry. I just don't get hyper like I used to... You can flame me. I kind of deserve it after not reviewing and then giving you this crappy chapter.**

**But hey, next time'll be better. I promise.**


	5. Tino!

**I have no more excuses. And I'm very sorry for not updating. Although I did enjoy those bad reviews I got! Honestly, I love reading bad reviews. I'm glad that everyone's not one-sided. So now you know: I like bad reviews. Good reviews are good too, though, so thank you.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own it.**

"So are you going to give me that mail--sorry, POST--, BOOOOOY?" yelped Vernon, doing an amazing impression of… himself.

Harry grinned evilly.

"What will you do with it, you BUFFOOON!" Notice the triple O? Dudley rolled his eyes. He was getting tired of the randomly misspelled words in his story. I mean… life. He is obviously the smart one in this family. Almost.

"Well I WAS going to turn all the papers into little origami CRANES! But since you're being a bitch about it, I guess I'll just have to READ it like everyone ELSE! How BOOOOORING!" I'm sure you'd like if it was spelled 'boring' instead of 'BOOOOORING', but you can't always get what you want.

Fine, have it your way then. "BORING!"

"Well I disagree with that statement." said Petunia in a proper voice. "I think that you should invest it. It is the smart thing to do."

"…" Everyone stared at Petunia with that weird fish-eyed look people do when other people are weird. You know the one.

"What? It was JUST a demand. You don't have to be all fish-eyed about it."

"So what were we talking about again?" asked Harry. He started to eat his hand. Dammit! Bad habit.

"Do you have a pet?"

"No, that's not it." Vernon ate some more lard. Is he always eating lard? Okay, well I better change it then. He ate some ham.

"We were talking about the post, dear." Petunia supplied.

"But I still think you should invest it." she mumbled.

"Right." Vernon nodded. Almost. He doesn't have much of a neck, you see.

"What about the post?" barked Harry, doing some random Michael Jackson dance moves. Like, the moon walk, that one thrusting-hip thingy, a little John Travolta disco. You know.

"I want you to give it to me. So I can read it and not tell you about Hogwarts and your magical abilities and how your parents died because some old guy killed them with magic."

Harry frowned in confusion. Or maybe just because he was having his annual grow-a-unibrow competition with himself.

"Oh. Okay then." He tossed the few letters at Vernon, but didn't bother to take the porn offers out of his pants. He was saving those for later. In his pants. Ironically. Or is it un-ironic? I can't remember.

"DROP THOSE BANANAS!" screamed Tino. Oh look, it's Tino. In case you don't know Tino, I'll just tell you what he looks like. He has a really big afro and is an illegal cheese dealer. 'Nuff said.

"Who are you?" asked Vernon somewhat reasonably. Ooh. Maybe he took a Ritalin or something.

Petunia looked at him in a snobby way. Dudley giggled and blushed, waving at the awesome person.

Tino winked back.

"Do you know my son?" asked Harry. Huh. Well I guess he's back then.

"Naw." said Tino. He pulled out a little mini child that looked exactly like Frodo.

"I know him!"

"Bleh!"

**A/N: Abrupt ending though.**

**Any of you like the All-American Rejects? Well, just so you know, their new CD is awesome. I am considering being a groupie. Just kidding. Mostly.**


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